Thursday, March 20th, 2003
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10:02 am
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Wednesday, July 10th, 2002
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4:56 am - back from the great grasps of death.. or so one may think
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i dont even know anymore.. i really dont. it has been well over six months since my last entry.. many things remain intack. my love for lord of the rings and all such related material.. my underlaying sence self-loathing.. my lack of acheivement.. my bitterness has grown anew tho..
glenn.. *growls* he angers me.. i know not what he does nor if he knows.. no one knows i guess. he fucked with me for a year and man if it were literal i think i wouldnt be so bitter.. but still i have yet to experience anything that resembles relationship status.. he took precious time from me.. kept me stagnant with hope for over a year.. i despise him at the instant.. then now i worry for him, he is going to remain childish for years.. *growls*
mike was/is not my moon.. not even my star.. he was like glenn.. a distractor. he tried to steal fom me as well..
i stick by the fact that jonny is one to love. he is a worthy person.. look back.. i told him and the sembalance of relationship we had continued. we lasted. from that horrid moment of full disclosure and the seconds ticking away and i never got the look of shame from him. no look of horror. no look of torture. no look of displeasement.. and still he believes that i didnt make an ass out of myself. he tries to make me believe about myself what he believes. we signed eachother's yearbook.. and well we wrote a lot of the same things.. there are times of mental conection.. then last friday.. i just hope.. going back to an even longer ago topic.. masochistic.. i have that in my mind at all times.. i shall never forget the very possibility of that.
annie dosent even write in here anymore.. no account.. nick hasnt written in ages.. people i lost and lost again.. annie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*tears*
so many things cause me to tear.. my eyes water at things.. i cried on the fourth of july.. i cried the day i was out with jonny.. i know i am not going to get anywhere.. but the people think i will i feel sorry for them..
there is something to be said for staying up all night..
i leave for italy in 4 days...
current mood: contemoplative
current music: .........origins of love: hedwig and the angry inch.........
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Wednesday, December 26th, 2001
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3:16 am
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i forgot about my new cool thing to say.. taken from lord of the rings.. 1) my precious 2) ...son of... *even if it is a girl i am talking about*
*im a loser*
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2:33 am - what have i been up to?
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well i have been working hella.. i hould have had like 45 hours on this last ckeck.. but they only gave me for 40 so i talked to tammy about it.. but i dont think she liked that.. meh..
um for all of you who might care.. i was in a car accident this past sunday.. no i am not hurt.. no one was hurt.. let me explain.. i was driving to work and had about a half an hour to kill so i was gonna drive up folsom a bit farther and do a lil more exploring up there.. so then just as i go through the intersection to take me to work i notice a car in front of me had a stick trailing from under it.. then the stick comes off and into my lane.. so i start to brake cuz i didnt want it to stick under my little car.. but when i go over it it pops my tire.. causing me to spin out.. but i didnt let go of the wheel and i steered it away from traffic.. as i was spinning. i take out a fucking tree and then stop 15 yards down the median of folsom boulevard. i get out of my car and this guy had stopped and was helping me but i need to call my famly to get help.. so i ask where the closest payphone was and he said macdonalds.. so i turn to walk and he offers me a ride.. which i turn down cuz you cant take rides from strangers.. *loser* and walk up there not quite crying yet.. i end up freaking out some random guy by talking of hurting my little bug.. but yeah mom gets off the phone with me and i head back to the car.. when i get there a cop was just pulling up.. so he gets out and asks me if iwas ok.. then other general questions.. then another cop gets there.. and he asks my age and where i live-cuz i didnt have a good enough car to live in folsom- and once i said i was from rancho nt folsom he started being hella shitty to me.. yeah he told me that the accident was all my fault cuz there wasnt a peice of stick that was big enough to cause me to do what i did.. but 1) when i went over it it could have broke off in my tire.. 2) i never said it was all that big to begin with.. in his fucked up head he had made himself think whatever the hell he wanted to just so i was the dumb one... fucking folsom bacon.. he was just a fucked up disgruntled guy.. ok that is pretty much it except my italy fund went to towing the car.. and some freakish/funny things.. when my car was spinning around in the median.. it never came out of it.. and it was only like 4 feet wide.. and that morning when i woke up my dream, the parts which i could remember, were attractive jeff at my house telling me not to go to work and to stay there with him.. very odd i must say...
i got *emotion is dead* from my brother so i know love him lots.. and not much else except i will get tapes on how to speak italian and money for the italy fund come the first.. i got some great jammie pants.. they make me happy...
on the 19 i saw lord of the rings.. and for 3 hours i was completely inTHRALLed it was so grea.. so crates even... yeah legolas is oine fine elf i must say.. see pic from earlier entry..
wishes i had more money for better gifts for most of my friends...
wishes i could see annie to give her her present..
going to sleep...
current mood:  enthralled
current music: .........legolas's voice.....
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1:21 am
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so okay that last one worked and this one should too... mmmmm legolas.. and stoopid migratory squirrels.. no good at all.. well more time to catch up on entries is needed.. later
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1:12 am
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i really dont know if that worked or not.. but it says that if i were to be a lord of the rings character i would be my beloved legolas... *sighs* makes me happy i hope you can see that.. i dont know if you can it didnt really tell me what i was suposed to do.. but meh...
so i am gonna update with this and see if it works.. if not.. meh i will try again..
current mood: ecstatic
current music: ....lord of the rings sound track....
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Thursday, December 6th, 2001
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9:39 pm - ~*~*...study group...yay....woooo...*~*~
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yeah like that ever really happened.. but meh.. i hate watching tv and then having missed like 3 or 4 episodes and then you have nooooo fricken clue as to what is going on and then you catch up and miss another episode.. grrrr just makes me mad..
ooo oo ooo i got told that i write well.. looky!!!
Hey, everything you write is so very interesting : ) keep on writing, and write some more. Oh and dont stop there ; )
a very nice compliment as i see it.. thanks to my newest lj friend tmask... everyone say hello..
*chorus of hello and random other what-have-yous*
so anyway i got my first check and it was way more that i thought it would be.. yay christmas shopping money!!! or money to spend on me.. maybe a lil of both..
will an grace is quite the nice show.. STEAK IT!!!
but again yeah not much that i have been doing.. i know jason o-ho-ka-he-ka-vi-ka *sp?* kamala-gruben looked very nice today.. you just never seem to know when your friends get hot.. but as he put it.. *wow-oh uh maybe i should uh.. wow um ok.. well then.. um.. yeah well.. now then.. okay*
yeah and how! but anyway once more..
i am charles manson.. i mean if i were to be an evil killer..
Phillip is gonna be gone in a week.. *cries* i miss him already.. but then no one would know it by looking at the two of us.. but he is a good friend of mine.. *sobs*.....
current mood:  morose
current music: ......kgb:im a player.....
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Saturday, December 1st, 2001
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3:47 am - ...so um yeah...
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maybe you were intrigued by that entry.. maybe not.. frightened.. meh.. not meant to do anything for anyone... i would like to firstly say.. i am tired of pretending.. i dont want to anymore.. i am gonna stop.. but that means nothing to any of you.. none of you know how i pretend.. hell i dont even know how i pretend half the time.. but gonna move on... have weird things to say.. tell regale you with..
ok starting point of weirdness.....
dreaming.. last saturday night a week ago.. i had this dream that involved everyone i know pretty much.. and we were down in gordon's monteray *(sp?) meh..* house which is big but nto nearly big enough to hold us all but oddly somehow it did.. so desiree was there and wa desire.. to make the distinction easier i will call desiree-who dated blake- deathray.. as he so eloquently puts it.. and my desire shall be desire.. soo we were all down in monteray having like springbreak.. and deathray was there with attractive jeff guy *ajg*.. but she kept asking me or desire to go out with him.. so desire was on him.. it is night and i just decided to go for a walk.. so i go outside and get to the corner skating rink-dont ask!- and then ajg comes running up behind me saying he finaly got away from everyone and we could have sometime alone.. i remember 2 things from there.. my concious mind of dream me...thinking *meh we are friends and it is a big party thingy..* but the subconcious dream me was realizing what he was actually talking about.. so he wraps his arms around my waist and we are walking holding hands..
that is basically it.. except every night since then i have had that dream butit has been in bodega bay and here in rancho too.. all very odd...
so then like wednesday.. deathray comes up to me and desire asking if one of us would like to date ajg.. which we both agree to.. and yet she hasnt gotten back to me yet on that but the dream i had totally predicted that.. it was crazy.. or maybe i am.. meh either way it was entertaining to read.. maybe.. blek!
current mood: clarivoyant
current music: ......chop seuy:system of a down......
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3:42 am - ..... a new idea.. or maybe old.. but in a new form... meh....
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i dont love glenn.. i am just masochistic.. i dont love jonny i am just masochistic.. i am masochistic.. i pick the unattainalbe guys to love.. i think it is cuz i dont think i could handle it if i really was rejected by someone after a mutual loving of eachother.. i mean i cant take it when i think i love someone and think it could happen.. stoopid unattainable guys... but i guess it is my fault for picking them..
well um i just found out that the day i wanted to crawl into glenns washing machine because i felt dirty.. well it was true.. god i feel unclean...*shudders*
MASOCHISTIC!!!
mas?och?is?tic [m?ss k?stik ] adjective
1. of or feeling masochism: relating to or experiencing the desire to be humiliated and abused by others in order to feel sexually fulfilled
2. liking and inviting misery: tending to invite and enjoy misery
mas?och?is?ti?cal?ly adverb
seems about right...
current mood: masochistic
current music: ......raindrops......on the roof......
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Tuesday, November 27th, 2001
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8:01 pm - oh.... my.................GOD
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yeah i told jonny last night... i dont know why i did but i did and he took it rather well.. we still held hands and hugged and it was like normal.. maybe he wants it? i dont know.. all i know is i am glad i told him...
current mood:  loved
current music: .....jonah:lukewarm......
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Thursday, November 22nd, 2001
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1:59 am - the juliana theory
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i was just at the best concert.. it was the juliana theory.. that is all that matters.. i got so much crap.. good times... *dreams* but yeah i am already waiting for them to get back to rancho.. or a place i can drive to within 3 hours.. i got a job.. taco bell.. meh i dont care where i work so long as i can get money for italy.. i havent written for so long i cant remember what i needed to write about.. it doesnt matter.. im too strung out on happy from the concert i couldnt think straight if i tried.. ok gonna go... hope you all didnt think i was dead...
current mood: ecstatic
current music: ....the juliana theory:into the dark.....
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Wednesday, October 10th, 2001
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8:20 pm - im sheenah's co-pilot!!!
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yeah like that makes any sort of sence.. but yeah sheenah being glenns godly mother of whom i adore.. she told me i was more than blake in the co-pilot category!!! it was so great.. i love her.. yeha that night she told me was so "grove"-esque.. it was so great.. i love glenn.. he did the cutest things at ana's anti-dance party.. yeah.. um we were getting out of the pool and he was like you want a massage to relax the muscles from that strenous game? (we played the keep aay game) and so i said yes thinking that it would be like shoulders. well it was him staddleing me on the ground.. doing almost full body.. it was genuinely good times.. then later people were bugging me.. so i went outside to where glenn was in the hot tub.. and we talked.. then randomly everyone came outside so it wasnt just us anymore.. but then the convesation turned to annoying topics.. and people were being annoying.. so i said i felt like a couch.. and glenn says its ok.. and kisses my hand looking up at me.. so i say no i didnt say cow i said couch.. and he says yes i know but i know why you want one.. and dont worrry i know it will be ok.. and then he says when he gets out he will go over to where i am.. and talk with me again.. so i was genuinely shocked.. he never shows emotion or understanding.. good times.. yeah.. then for a little we cuddled.. it was slight.. but it was still there.. god i love him.. yeah um that is pretty much it..
halloween is really close. makes me happy..
misses annie.. and nick...
hmm loves glenn too....
well um me and ana made a pact to try and get over our males.. but i know i am not gonna make it.. but i will try.. oo and she said that thanksgiving break i can live at her house.. and sleep on the porch couch.. yup good times.. ooo and that is when the juliana theory is comming ot town.. mmm tjt.. makes me happy must take ana with me!!!! i must!!!and um yeah...
jonah is saturday but i believe that i will not be able to go.. grr my lack of car.. yeah i have to pre-buy the ticket and no one will go downtown with me to do so.. grrs more.. yeah so um that is much it for now....
i could go in the middle fothe desert. i could go there all alone, i could sit for hours, could fast for weeks, ill never know what you know.. ill give you all the water.. give everything that matters. and when your world is full, ill give you all the spaces, ill give you all of the time. you've got a halo. you've got a halo you got a halo hanging above your head. your as young and as old as the ocean. smiling stars that glow. the wind and heaven are still asleep you've got an unearthly glow. ill give you all the water.. give everything that matters. and when your world is full, ill give you all the spaces, ill give you all the time. you've got a halo. you got a halo you got a halo.. halo hanging above your head.. hanging above your head.. hanging above your head.. and i want to say to you how free you run. i dont know you you've gota halo you got a halo youi got a halo you got a halo you got a halo you got a halo you got a halo you got a halo hanging above your head hanging above you head hanging above your head.. that is what i am gonna be missing seein gsaturday with everyone.. not unless glenn were to go.. cuz then i could ride with him..
current mood:  thoughtful
current music: .....jonah:halo.....
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Thursday, September 27th, 2001
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5:02 pm - oh no you didnt
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what the fuck.. i cant believe life.. why is it when everyone is happy i am fucking depressed..? it doesnt seem to make any sense.. cuz.. well even when everyone is sad i am sad so.. i am only happy when everyone is indifferent.. it just is better.. i dont knowbut right now i am really looking forward to my death.. it seems like such a grand thing.. man and i noticed how fricken easy it is to play off depression as sleep..cuz as everyone was talking and excluding me as normal instead of pretendiong it doesnt hurt i pretended to go to sleep.. i got a book thrown at me... meh... yeah it worked.. a little too well.. then i came home eventually and got yelled at by mom for comming homw late even tho i was earlier than normal.. by this time i had a very big head ache.. so i took 6 of the non asprin asprin.. which i proolly shouldnt have taken so many.. but meh.. i remember when i used to only take like one.. and was scared i would od.. i was a loser.. man i still am... god..
sometimes i just want to cry.. but then there are no tears...
current mood: sad
current music: .....oasis:champange super nova.....
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Tuesday, September 25th, 2001
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5:55 pm - i took it too!
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yeah i am a folloer.. or maybe just really really bored...
Wow! You're finished. So here's how you scored:
Goth 75%
Trendy 30%
Alternative 40%
Conclusion: From this, we can tell that you are either a really well-balanced person, or you just have no taste whatsoever.
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5:29 pm
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meh i love glenn.. but there are times.. i no longer try to hide the fact that i love him tho so i guess i am progressing.. but today was one of those times when i get highly frusterated.. i mean yeah i understand the double standards.. i awknoledge them.. i dont like them but i know all the same.. i have been hoping and hoping that they would fade out.. but yet they dont.. and i try to pretend that they dont bother me.. but they do.. i wonder if it shows.. i think it does.. and if they do then i wonder what he thinks when i get like that... if he cares.. if he revels in it.. if there is any emotion towards me.. if it were to be disgust that would be better.. you cant hide that.. i would know it.. rather than indifference.. indifference is bad i cant tell when i do good or when i do bad.. i just never know with him.. i an read him like a book on most other aspects of life. but when it comes to knowing about me.. maybe it is just my self-concious tellig me i should know now..
regardless i need a male.. i dont even care if it is glenn anymore.. i dont really recall why i want to have one.. but i think it would be nice to have someone just to be there with..
on to another topic tho.. one of which is moree important than that.. today it is my dear friends birthday.. a one krystal sizlack.. wait i mean silack.. who dates her self..? meh it is confusing but just to make her laff.. meh.. yeah so happy beltane to you.. belthday? birthday? humpin? meh what ever.. i can be confused...
current mood: birthday-ish
current music: ....rhps:heppy belthday....
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Monday, September 24th, 2001
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7:11 pm - so happy so very happy
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well today glenn and i were talking.. while walking home with everyone.. and he was commenting on how chris came over the day he was sick.. and how the conversation turned to a sexual inuendo thing-y.. and chris said something about salami and glenn comments back.. but chrs didnt get it.. so glenn starts going off on how he missed me cuz i wasnt there and i would have gotten it... made me happy.. he missed me.. i miss him now.. oh god do i miss him...
current mood: ecstatic
current music: .....nickelback:you remind me....
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Sunday, September 23rd, 2001
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7:15 pm - unbelieveable
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this weekend i stayed at ana's and friday was all sorts of crazy.. um around 11 we decide to go to bed cuz we both had been lacking sleep because of the whole school thing.. so ana goes right o bed.. and i am trying ot drift off.. to my beloved juliana theory.. my eyes keep opening and closing.. and then like 5 min later.. ana's mom comes in sayig glenn is at the door.. ana glenn is here.. i am not reacting cuz i was thinking it was a dream.. man i am dumb.. but then ana wakes up and and we head down stairs.. and glenn was standing at the door holding a plate in his hands.. full of papa johns.. and i ask if it was for me.. and he says yeah i knew you wanted some.. so i made mom get pizza for dinner just so i could bring you some.. which i was really happy about.. ok stunned.. and totally in love with the boy at this time.. so we are sitting in the foyer.. talking.. and lilly decides to start spying oin us like she used to.. i thinkit was because there was a male here this time.. so about 20 min pass and ana's mom comes in and says he has to go cuz lilly has a soccer game in the morning.. so glenn leaves.. and i put the pizza in the fridge.. me and ana go back upstairs and talk for aother 10 minutes before she goes to sleep again.. and then i am drifting off again when i realize that juliana theory is playing.. and that everytime i am falling asleep to them at someone elses house glenn is there. odd. oh and for those of you who dont know.. papa john pizza in mine and glenns relationship is the equivelient to jewlery in a normal relationship.. yeah and i love how he risked getting yelled at to bring me pizza.. somehow i knew he was gonna be there friday night.. i just knew.. i love him so very very much
current mood: loved
current music: ....the juliana theory:nice boy.....
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Friday, September 21st, 2001
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5:17 pm - good times
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today was much fun.. oh my god the fun of today was great fun.. um it starts of with getting to school late amd making smart comments to spino.. which was great fun.. and then student government was easy to ditch again.. lunch was fun as always cuz we kept beckoning to phillips lil bro to come over and hang with us.. but he got really scared.. then lecci was really easy to ignore.. and whatnot.. but i am now realizing that i am slowly doig worse and worse on my tests but it is only the first few.. i know i will do better.. after school was a meeting for the europe trip and we are staying another day in rome.. and it is only gonna be 2497 dollars.. the extra day in rome is only gonna be 50 dollars.. mmm rome.. venice makes me happy.. i beckoned to glenn to come sit with me which he did.. and then we talked.. tyler and phillip and matt are going on the trip too.. so it shall be great fun and then we started walking home.. which was really fun.. mmm walkin ghome with only glenn and desire today.. and then there were great times at glenns house where i got back my silverchair cd.. and me and des look at each other.. and with a knowing look reach back to slap glenns ass.. which we did in perfect unison.. it was good times.. cuz he falls to the ground laffing and then gets up and attacks des.. yeah i love him.. then as we were leaving to go home.. i asked if he had more gum and gave me the peice he was chewing at the time.. but yeah i love him.. it was great.. not like the cherry passing tho but still great.. now i am going to stay the night at ana's and go to harvest fest tomarrow with her family.. and saturday night we are going to monty python.. if it is in fact still playing.. if not we will hang out down town.. or something.. if anan can cuz she is kinda gounded.. meh iam going ot have to call glenn so i can tell him whether or not it is playing so he doesnt have to come all the way out here if it isnt.. meh..
current mood: happy
current music: ........silver chair:ana's song........
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Thursday, September 20th, 2001
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9:23 pm
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my beloved bucket has somehow reincarnated itself into matt's car.. yeah he drove me and des home today... then let me drive it to go get gas.. yeah let me.. i love his car.. des and kris and krys and nick and most of you shall know.. it was such the bucket of buckets.. man i love his car.. i got to drive it!!! and he wants to sell it to get a different car.. and he would sell it to me!!!! yay.. *does happy dance.. snoopy's happy dance even*.. it was great.. yeah that is pretty much it except i love glenn.. and sudrie was asking me why.. and i told her for some reason.. but i dont care i love glenn...
oh and it is good to know people who work in fast food.,. it always tastes better free...
current mood:  bouncy
current music: ....???:here in my car.....
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Tuesday, September 18th, 2001
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8:08 pm - i get sent the coolest things
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Punk rock love is fucking behind the dumpster down the
street from the show.
Fucking in the shower at the Hotel Carlton.
Making out in the recycle bin.
Looking at her tattoos while she's asleep.
Taking showers together.
Playingcheckers with cigarette butts.
Watching her band play.
Dumpstering veggies together and then going back to
her place and cooking up a feast.
Knowing the same parts of the same songs.
Both of you having the same ex-girlfriend.
Punk rock love is having to tie her shoes for her cuz
she's too drunk.
Kissing under the overpass.
Her sending you her whole diary to read.
Her giving you ten rolls of duct tape for your
birthday.
Her beating up skinheads.
Going to the prom on her motorcylce and checking in
the helmets at the coatcheck.
Getting astonished stares from all the jocks who
thought you were gay, now they feel dumb cuz you're
with an older punk rock bombshell and they're with
their friend's little sister.
Punk rock love is meeting her outside the club and her
saying come home with me or I'm gonna kick your fuckin
ass.
Going home with her and she almost kicks your ass
anyway.
Sharing hairdye.
Riding double on a bike.
Being loud and not caring.
Sneaky eyes and sleeveless t-shirts.
The sun coming up and you realizing that there's other
people on the beach.
A good sleazy one weekstand.
Still being friends afterwards, most of the time.
Punk rock love is her sneaking out in the middle of
the night to meet you inthe park.
Running your fingers over her spikey hair.
Her chewing on a flowerand you having to call poison
control when her tongue swells up.
Bringing her to the laundromat for a date.
Sharing a sleeping bag and waking up freezing in the
middle of the night and her, bleary eyed, trying to
heat it up with a blowdrier.
Social Unrest playing "Ever Fallen in Love?" at the
gig you're both at the night after she dumps you hard.
Starting smoking again after that night.
Punk rock love is her drawing on you.
Her sleeping on your back.
Her being mad at you for being such a jerk.
Her thinking it's cool that you stink andyour hair
stands up by itself.
Her having weird roommates who worship eggs.
You waiting in the doorway for hours hoping she might
pass by.
Even in the snow.
Her singing along with Descendents records over the
air on her late night radio show.
Her picture on the front page of the morning
paper,getting arrested.
Her borrowing your favorite black hat and never giving
it back.
Punk rock love is finding a girl who drinks as much
coffee as you do.
Going into the cafe where she works and she looks up
and smiles and doesn't notice as she tips over a pile
of 50 dishes.
They hit the floor one by one and when it's all done
everyone in the cafe applauds and you both turn beet
red.
Punk rock love is both of you doing fanzines.
Years later her teaching English to college freshmen,
you still doing fanzines.
Her wearing glasses through her eyes are fine, using
crutches though her legs are fine, and talking with a
fake speech impediment.
You just thinking it's rad girlstyle, until later when
someone brings up the concept of self-imposed
handicaps.
Punk rock love is getting your first kiss and almost
losing your virginity at the same time, meanwhile
you're trying not to wake up the other person sleeping
in the same bed.
Groping in the bushes by the freeway and later you
realize that all the passing cars could see you.
Exploring the wasteland together.
holding hands out on the fire escape.
Lying in the grass in her backyard.
Lying on the astroturf in her bedroom.
Drinking tequila on her porch, on your birthday.
Riding on her motorcylce early in the cold morning and
you're holding on tight and steam is rising off of the
river and you're thinking how she is maybe even better
than the Ramones.
Punk rock love is both being broke.
Love letters.
Finding out she sang "StayFree" at her high school
talent show.
Finding out she's a little crazier than you thought
when you finally get her in bed.
Her boyfriend getting mad.
Walking around with her and her nephew and everyone
giving you dirty looks cuz they think he's your kid.
Walking around with her and being happy and proud.
Being sad together.
Being sad by yourself.
Missing her.
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